How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The beer is more important than you right now.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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