Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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