So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
another moral hangover. fuck.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
