the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize