god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
