I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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