Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Randomize
