At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
