This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
