I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
