i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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