ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
