I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
