We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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