i love accidental penises.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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