Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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