do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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