eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
