I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
