I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
