Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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