Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
A+ Viking dick
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
