As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize