youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
