I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
