turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
