he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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