im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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