You made me cry and you don't even care
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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