he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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