did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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