I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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