I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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