I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
