Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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