the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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