I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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