Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
whose parrot is this?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
