My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
