i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
