People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
