By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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