I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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