just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
