Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
