I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
