shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
