Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize