tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
