soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
