Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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