i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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