My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
