Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize