I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
