Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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