woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
