so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
