I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
