he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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