Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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